My Sister's Keeper

When Kinneret was pregnant with David I spoke to a doctor friend of mine about whether or not we should bank his cord blood. He didn't think it was worth it and he added that if we were ever to need cord blood it would be cheaper to have another baby. In the end we decided to bank his cord blood after speaking with another doctor acquaintance (Summy's brother-in-law), although we didn't do it again for Ora.
I recently watched "My Sister's Keeper," a movie that revolves around a family that pursued my first friend's strategy. The daughter is diagnosed with leukemia and after no bone marrow donor can be found her parents decide to have another baby engineered to be a genetic match to the leukemic daughter. The second daughter is born and she ends up serving as a donor on multiple occasions, sometimes suffering severe adverse reactions. When the older daughter goes into kidney failure the mother insists that the younger daughter donate one of her kidneys. At this point the younger daughter says that she's had enough and she retains a lawyer to sue her parents for medical emanciption.

If you like depressing dramas, it's a great movie. But it's also a good springboard for some discussion. The subject of organ donation and halakhah recently flooded the Jblogosphere (e.g., Hirhurim), specifically the question of brain stem death. I think "My Sister's Keeper" would have provided an interesting tangential debate, i.e., may one coerce a minor child to serve as a donor. Even if there isn't actual coercion, do parents even have the right to ask a minor child to serve as a donor?

Pesach Rants: The Seder

If the seder is supposed to be to educate the kids, why does it start so late? What is the purpose if the kids are already dozing off right after mah nishtanah? There is an interesting discussion here about starting the seder early, but even assuming the established practice to wait until nighfall, who in the hell invited the chazan to daven maariv and shlep out the hallel? Isn't it late enough already? (And someone please remind me why we need to recite hallel twice at night?)

And if the seder is supposed to be to educate the kids, why do we sit around rambling in a language the kids (to say nothing of the adults at many tables) don't understand?

I have no authority over the shul's schedule and shaliach tzibbur roster, but I can control what goes on at my own table. So this year we did some parts in English.

And it went something like this:

Abba: At first our forefathers were idolaters . . .

David: Why does it say four fathers?

Abba: Forefathers means ancestors.

David: But why four fathers?

Abba: I just told you. Forefathers means ancestors. Now let me continue.

David: But there were only three fathers?

Abba: Huh? I said forefathers.

David: But there were only three fathers.

Abba: What are you talking about?

Finally Kineret had to point out to me that he was confused because he thought I was talking about the avos.

(And now I realize that he was probably further confused because I keep asking him who the 4 imos were--he keeps on including Dina--and here I was talking about "four fathers.")

Balabustas, Pesach and Christina Aguilera

This is time of the year when balabustas world wide sing songs of lament. Now in my humble opinion that's just the wrong attitude. Instead they should be singing Christina Aguilera's "Fighter" (a la "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger").

Ok, just kidding. Ok, just kidding. But I hadn't heard this song in a while and it's been in my head all day since having heard it this morning.

David's Daily Journal

David came home with a stack of his daily personal journal assignments. It was an interesting read. Some days were revealing about his perspective on things; other days were simply amusing. Overall it was a gratifying (and somewhat surprising) experience to see him write so expressively. But is also served us with an important warning, i.e., there are no house secrets when you pair a first-grader with a personal journal assignment.

Conflict vs. Unity

"The clash of opinions honestly thought out is far better than a unanimity obtained by the enforced or voluntary suppression of the reasoning faculty."

-Sir Leon Simon, The Elements of Zionism (London: Association of Young Zionists, 1934), p. 5.

Of Metaphors and Anthropomorphisms

Sometimes I'm concerned that David may not be absorbing everything that he is taught in school.

* * *

While reading through the Haggadah last night with David we reached the lines that speak of God taking the Jews out of Egypt with a strong arm, an outstretched arm, etc. Then this morning we paused after Yigdal for a line of be'ur tefillah and I focused on ein lo demus ha-guf ve-eino guf, i.e., the principle of God's incorporeality. We translated the line and then I started to explain that even though we read last night about God's hand, it doesn't mean He really has a hand. Instead of the expected confusion I was greeted with a smile and, "Abba, it's a metaphor."

I guess things do sink in after all in school.

President David

The other day I was explaining to David how one become the president of the United States, term limits, etc.. Then I told him that if he wants perhaps even he can be the president one day. He was intrigued by the possibility and asked what he has to do to become the president. I told him he has to study hard and do well in school. "And then they'll put my picture on a place mat?" he inquired with excitement.

* * *

Ora says a few more words: baby, ball, bubbles, eyes, outside and nana [banana].

She loves her doll and doll carriage. Today she put a hat on her head and one on her doll's head and put the doll in the carriage as if she were going to take her for a walk outside.

Ora is very attached to her pacifiers. That's right multiple pacifiers. Shabbat afternoon she crammed two pacifiers into her mouth and went her merry way.

She generally wakes up at least once at night (if not more often) for a bottle. She sits up strait and cries until we bring it to her. The she opens her mouth, lets the the pacifier fall out, goes limp and falls strait back with the bottle her mouth. It's so mechanically cute.

Why Are Brooklyn Yeshivos So Cheap?

People often wonder why Teaneck-type schools are so much more expensive than Brooklyn-type schools. Of course it's easy to point to the fancier facilities, more extra-curricular activities, the serious college-prep curriculum, better-paid employees, etc.

Wait, did I write better-paid employees? I should have written that Teaneck-type schools have paid employees.

Gil at Hirhurim commented in a recent thread that he overheard a rebbe mention that his wife, a Bais Yaakov teacher, is owed two years salary. Anyone famliar with Brooklyn-type schools knows that this is an oft-heard lament.

Well I guess it's easier to charge such cheap tuition when you don't have to pay employees on time, if ever.

Similarly, not paying rent on time (or ever), also common in Brooklyn-type schools, helps keep tuition down.

Yes, these practices are aborent and in my humble opinion defeat the purpose of sending your kid to yeshivah, but please don't leave any comments bashing the community in which these types of schools are usually found. My point in this post is simply to explain one reason why Teaneck-type schools are so damn expensive and question if parents who want a Teaneck-type school at Brooklyn prices are willing for their kids' teachers to be treated like slaves and for landlords to be stiffed.

Hashgocho

Last night we did some parsha. I started to exaplain to David that there are special signs to determine if an animal is kosher. "Why can't you just look for the hashgocho?" he asked.

Diaries, My Toys, Homework Addendum

David has been dying for a diary. I'm not sure why he would want it, but he did. Yesterday it arrived in the mail and he was so excited, especially about the little lock and key. He promptly sat down and penned four pages--they are small pages--of "daer diurey" entries. He wrote about how he felt on the first day of his new school ("I was nervise and I cried to my dad"), difficulties riding a bike, a movie he saw with "three dee glasus" that he liked and a swiming exhibition for parents at camp.

He's not a very expressive writer in general--this is one area of concern we see from his homework--and it was quite a surprise to see him writing freely in this manner. So maybe this is a good way to develop his writing skills and confidence while at the same time giving him an opportunity to "speak up" and vent (and provide us with a window into into his little mind).

* * *

On the subject of homework . . .

I recently had a post about our experiences with David's homework and I aknowledged the debate over the utility of homework in general. One thing I forgot to note is that I like homework because it enables us to know what is going on in David's class and if he is able to keep up. The homework might not help him, but it helps keep us informed.

* * *

I am a pack rat, but over the years I've slowly cleared out all my accumulated crap from my mother's basement. What remains are mostly books (tons of them) as well as some toys and other typical childhood items (baseball cards, comic books, train set, etc.). There was one box with toy soldiers, cowboys and Indians, GI Joes and other action figures. Every time David was in the basement he would stand over this box, salivate and beg me for it's contents. Being the sentimental pack rat that I am, I refused his entreaties. I knew he'll just lose them, break them, etc.

I finally realized that it is really pointless to keep this box in my mother's basement just for the sake of it. They have no real monetary value and what is the point of them collecting dust? Just so once a year I can go downstairs, look at them, and for a fleeting momement have a window into childhood memories? So I brought the box home and started letting him choose items from it on a periodic basis (mostly for rewards/reinforcement).

The box is about half empty now but David is starting to lose interest (and the contents no longer work as well as rewards/reinforcement). I have to wonder what in the heck was I thinking when I kept the box in my mom's house. So now I have this empty box on top of the microwave and what will I do with it if David really loses total interest? Throw it out? Give it away. Maybe I should have just given him the whole box to begin with and let that be the end of it.

This morning David showed me a fake GI Joe that he received from a classmate in return for one of my Star Wars storm troopers. Wait, did I say *my* Star Wars storm trooper? Even though I gave it to him, in my mind I still think of these as my toys and I was disappointed and upset that he so casually and thoughtlessly dispensed with one. But I don't need the storm trooper and if it makes David happy, why should I care? (Although it's not altogether clear to me that David really wanted to make the trade and that he didn't do it because he was coerced into it or in order to curry favor.)

Family Pictures

I don't understand why people plaster their walls with pictures of the kids. Now I have nothing against a few small cutesy pictures here and there, but I've been to homes where every available inch of wall space is covered by adorable pictures of the kids. Yes, they really are adorable, but in many homes I start to feel like I'm visiting a memorial (God forbid).

Yes, I like to take pictures to preserve memories--although I have to admit we did this much more frequently with David--, but why the need to frame and display these memories when the kids are right there in the flesh busy creating new memories. Running around, playing, laughing, learning, being naughty, etc. I just don't get the need for a gallery of frozen, inanimate photographs.

As long as I'm ranting about wall pictures, I also don't understand why people need to hang those gaudy, oversize wedding portraits in the living room.

(For a timely but unrelated post on a chumra against hanging pictures of girls, visit the good professor here).

Having Another Kid?

I know this is going to sound crazy, but sometimes I read about an amazing personality and I wish for another child so I can name him or her after that person. Right now I'm thinking about Irina Sendler, concerning whom someone just fowarded me a brief bio:

There recently was a death of a 98 year-old lady named Irena. During WWII, Irena, got permission to work in the Warsaw Ghetto, as a Plumbing/Sewer specialist. She had an 'ulterior motive' ... She KNEW what the Nazi's plans were for the Jews, (being German.) Irena smuggled infants out in the bottom of the tool box she carried and she carried in the back of her truck a burlap sack, (for larger kids..) She also had a dog in the back that she trained to bark when the Nazi soldiers let her in and out of the ghetto. The soldiers of course wanted nothing to do with the dog and the barking covered the kids/infants noises.. During her time of doing this, she managed to smuggle out and save 2500 kids/infants. She was caught, and the Nazi's broke both her legs, arms and beat her severely. Irena kept a record of the names of all the kids she smuggled out and kept them in a glass jar, buried under a tree in her back yard.
After the war, she tried to locate any parents that may have survived it and reunited the family. Most had been gassed. Those kids she helped got placed into foster family homes or adopted.Last year Irena was up for the Nobel Peace Prize ... She was not selected. Al Gore won, for a slide show on Global Warming.

(For more info, see Wiki and Snopes.)

Right now my favorite boy's name is Pinchas (of Kehati fame).

Pedophilia in Jewish Institutions

Over the last few years we've read about various educational figures being accused of sexually deviant behavior. This was a topic of discussion--of course along with tuition and other yeshivah-related venting--with our hosts this past Shabbat in light of a new accusation.

So how should parents with children in the school react when someone in the school is accused of pedophilia? My reaction ("Don't switch the child to a different school" is in black followed by "switch the kid" in red):

1) Our host commented that accusations against a sexual predator in a school are not--on their own merit--enough of a reason to pull a child from the school. After all, she argued, it can happen anywhere. Unfortunately I think there is a certain truth to this. It's a "the grass isn't always greener" argument. And after all, pulling a child from one institution that does not have mechanisms in place to prevent--or at least minimize the risk of--such behavior (which unfortunately is typical in Jewish schools*) and putting him/her in another institution that lacks the same mechanisms may be pointless. (*Just to clarify, I don't think pedophilila is typical in Jewish schools, but rather the absence of good measures to prevent it is typical.)

Of course it can happen anywhere, but the fact that one pedophile felt comfortable and safe enough to act can mean there are others in the same institution who feel it is a haven for them to prey without repercussions. There is simply no way to clean house and realistically ensure a safe future no matter how the school reacts.

2) Since it can happen anywhere, the single most important factor in deciding whether or not to pull the child is how a school reacts when accusations are leveled against a staff member. Does it circle the wagons and deny that such activity happens or that the school is already doing all that is possible to prevent such behavior? Does the school hire independent professional outsiders to review how the alleged behaviours could have been prevented and recommend what steps can be taken to ensure such behaviour can't take place in the future? Are such recommendations followed up on? Are these policies in writing and are all staff members instructed in them? Does the school notify parents of the accusations and encourage them to talk their children about the specific case and about abuse in general? Is there any talk of consulting rabbonim?

3) Is there any indication that a cover-up took place or that other staff members were aware of what was going on? If yes, will anyone involved in a cover-up or otherwise involved in enabling what happened be fired?

Who really knows what happened, who knew what, etc.?

4) How far can/should we go to protect our children? Some people (myself included) think it's ridiculous that yeshivos don't fingerprint prospective staff, institute mandatory reporting policies, have written policies regulating staff-child interactions (e.g., never be alone with a kid in a closed area), etc. Yet we also regularly entrust our kids to others (e.g., camps; shul youth groups; Bnei Akiva, Pirchei Aguda and other youth groups; day care centers; babysitters; tutors; etc.) without even thinking about insisting on the same level of protection?

It's true that we can't stand by our kids' side 24/7 until they are eighteen years old. But the fact that our kids may sometimes be in environments over which we have no control shouldn't prevent us from trying to ensure they are in safe environments as often as possible.

4) It's your kid and there is no shame in taking steps born in illogical paranoia in order to protect him/her.

Ten Lared

Today I was presented with two interesting captcha word verifications. I tried to leave a comment on a blog and was presented with the captcha word "liar." I refused this indignity, even if randomly generated.

Then I needed to use Google Books to download an article from The Atheneum (a nineteenth century British periodical) and was met with the captcha verification: "tenlared," i.e., תן לרד--let it download! See below for a screen shot (click on image to enlarge). How could I even make this up?!

Firsts

Ora loves to walk around. No more hip swivels. Real steps, albeit still the stiff Frankenstein type. Not only was she ready for shoes, but she wanted them. A few times she took my shoes, sat on the floor and inserted her feet. So on Sunday we bought her first pair of shoes. No crying or screaming or falling flat on her face as with David. While Kinneret looked around Ora actually went and chose two shoes and brought them to Kinneret.

Ora still likes to play with our shoes. Yesteday morning she carried a pair of shoes over to me to put on her, except they were David's. Today she put my crocs on her feet.

* * *

She also says "out" (as in take me "out" of the crib) and "baby."

* * *

Yesterday we enjoyed the nice weather by taking her to the zoo for the first time. She enjoyed it (and called all the animals "baby") but freaked out when the llamas came too close. For her "woof woof" is the universal animal language and not just for dogs.

* * *

A few weeks ago I started taking Ora to shul shabbat morning. She is pretty well behaved, which is a good thing because my present shul is a lot more decorous than the one that I attended when I first started taking David to shul. (Not that he was really a problem and he was generally much better behaved than the adults.)

One acquaintance was amazed when he realized that I brought the kids myself. He comes with his older boys but he said he would never even attempt to bring his baby. It came out in the conversation that he doesn't really ever change diapers. I can't say that I don't do my share of diaper duty evasion, but I'm amazed--ok, in awe?--that in this generation dads can still get away without doing diaper duty.

* * *

Ora points to her nose and belly when prompted (so far in English only). She also puts her hands on her head if you say "uh oh." She waves a lot.

* * *

Last night she climbed into David's bed while he was sleeping and lay down next to him. Thank God he's a really heavy sleeper.

Thoughts on Homework

David gets a lot of homework and sometimes it becomes a chore--for him and for us. I'm much stricter than Kinneret and I generally insist that he complete it. Aside from the educational utility of homework--yes, I know this is a matter of debate--I feel that the more times we let it slide then he will become even less likely to do his homework and will in general develop poor homework habits (as well as become increasingly emboldened in his defiance of our authority).

On the other hand, there has to be a limit to how far we push. I don't believe in doing homework just for the sake of doing homework and there has to be some type of pedagogical gain. If at some point it becomes obvious that he is too tired and there's no way for him to absorb anything, then what is the point of pressing on? Why torture him and ourselves?

So where is that line between fostering good homework habits and educational progress on the one hand, and torture on the other hand?

The Worst Part of Returning from Vacation . . .

. . . is dealing with kids who've been spoiled by the grandparents for a week.

Time to Call it Quits?

We really wanted the talmud torah to work. For all sorts of reasons. But it's just not working out for David. His behavior has become so bad that Kinneret and I fight it out to decide who will pick him up because we are afraid to face the teacher and get the bad report. It's too embarassing.

The truth is that he's ususally well behaved in school. We apologize profusely to the talmud torah teacher and profess our bewilderment why a kid who has never had problems in day care, school or camp is suddenly misbehaving and worse yet acting disrespectfully toward the teachers. Everytime I utter these words to the teacher I imagine him about to roll his eyes and thinking to himself, "another out-of-touch parent who thinks his kid is a perfect angel." (Actually the teacher is very apologetic about our many apologies and he says there is no reason for us to apologize.) But really, David is generally otherwise very quiet and behaved in educational settings. (Sometimes I even wish he would act out a bit or be naughty in class.)

If I had to take some guesses I'd say that the root of the problem could be:

• He has a very long day; or,


• He is bored because he is more advanced than the other children (because of his backround and home reinforcement ); or,


• The environment is too informal; or,


• A combination of the above.

Or maybe the problem is us and this is simply another instance of us not disciplining him properly?

* * *

A recent comment thread on Orthonomics went off on a tangent in response to a parent who reported that his son's school is unable to deal with the boy's suspected learning and behavioral issues. It was clear to most commenters--myself included--that there was no good reason for the boy to remain in this school and that in fact his interests were being harmed by his continued presence there.

Of course it's easy to dish out armchair advice to someone else, however when I step back for a moment should it be obvious that the time has come for us to take David out of talmud torah as well? At some level I am reluctant to do so because this means that he wins. It becomes yet another notch in his belt in his power struggle with us. Part of me wants to keep him there out of a feeling that we need to make a concerted stand and tame him. Yes, I'm well aware that this is the wrong reason to keep in the talmud torah--parenting isn't about "winning." There are some other (perhaps not entirely compelling) reasons to keep him in the talmud torah. But where exactly is that fine line that guides us how far we should go to try and work out the behavior issue (and for how long) before we pull him?

Wanted: Famous Black Jews

David has to learn about a famous black person for school. Anyone have any suggestions for a famous black Jew? (I can only think of modern entertainment personalities.) He or she should really be American, but let me know about about famous foreign black Jews as well. Bonus points for pointing out a book about the person appropriate for a first grader. Thanks, Abba.

Wise-A@@ Frumkeit Part 1

Earlier this evening I was adjusting the temperature of the bath water while David waited naked in the hallway. I turned around for a second and saw that he had grabbed a pair of my tzitzit and draped it over his body. We already had some tense moments this evening because he misbehaved again in talmud torah, and it was getting late now and I just wanted to finish up and get him to bed. So I ignored him and continued with the water.

I turned around again as he darted into and the living room and watched him return with Kinneret's Tehillim in hand. He opened it up and pretended to daven. At this point I told him to stop and explained that it isn't respectful to daven while naked.

"But Abba," he protested, "I'm saying Baruch ata . . . malbish arumim!"*

Was I supposed to reprimand him or shep nachas?

_____________________

* "Blessed art thou, Lord our God, Master of the Universe, who clothest the naked people."